Harry Potter and the Secret of Mr Cuddles
by mr tator tot
Summary: This is the twisted parody of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Hilarious, weird and down right crazy! R&R Please. Chapters updated!D
1. Prologue

Prologue:

The setting took place on a dark wintry night, when an elderly looking man of a long stature, with a beard as white as snow, was strolling along the empty lane of Pervert Dr. The man looked mysterious, since he was alone and wearing a rather large robe elegantly designed with colorful ponies and flowers, all arranged in all sorts of unique patterns. Then for some odd reason, he took out something that might have been mistaken as a stick, but then later appeared as a wand since he was magically absorbing the light from the street lanterns.

"What on earth are you doing with those lights Albus"? The voice seemed as if it has come out of the mouth of a small gray squirrel. "AHHHH! Don't ever scare me like that Minerva." The squirrel then started transforming into the figure of an old woman with light brown hair and a hat which seemed as though it could've been worn by a witch. "Oh Albus my dear…. When is the boy arriving?" Minerva asked in a sexy tone. "Whenever Hagrid comes, and that is why I'm here, I'm waiting for him; he is rather taking a long time though."

Suddenly a girly honk was heard over them, and a motorcycle landed on the road. Then an extremely large man with a bushy beard appeared and was holding a bundle which seemed to have a baby boy in it. "Sorry I'm late, went to the pub and got me self drunk. Man was it blurry driving tonight, I could've sworn I heard a scream and then a crushing sound before I arrived, oh well." "Very interesting, now hand me the boy." "No the boy is mine." Yelled Hagrid. Minerva then interrupted, "Oh my dear sexy Hagrid… The boy needs to be taken under the care of his only family left, I hope you do understand." "Fine! yelled Hagrid. "But I'll put him at the doorsteps myself."

Hagrid then placed the bundle near the doorsteps of a trailer and placed a letter on top of the bundle." They all then whispered "Good luck me boy, Harry Potter…." Minerva then interrupted and said to Albus, "You still never told me why you took the light my dear…" Albus then replied, "I needed to heat my oven, lets all head back to my place and get drunk and go crazy." All replied, "Okay, see you there." They all left and Pervert Dr. was empty once again.

The next morning Bob Johnson opened a door and there, right in front of him was a baby boy in a bundle with a letter in it. Bob then looked at it and it said, to the Dursley's. He then hollered, "Hey Vernon you left your baby here." He then threw the bundle to his neighbor's yard, but luckily Petunia came out and caught it. She looked at the boy and said, "Oh crap its Lilly's boy."


	2. Chapter 1 Dudley's Birthday

Chapter 1: Dudley's Birthday

Harry suddenly woke up from a loud racket Dudley was making. He then heard Dudley knocking on his door saying, "Wake up Harry, I got to take my first dump as an eleven year old." Harry then replied, "Okay let me get dressed in the tub first and then I got to take my dump this morning also, as a poor little boy." Harry was living in the bathroom ever since he came to this hell of a home. "I can't take it anymore! I'm going in!" Dudley then opened the door and charged towards Harry who was taking a dump. Harry then fell off the toilet while taking a dump on the floor and then moved out of the way letting Dudley fall face first into the….well you get the picture, it was pretty gross.

Ewwwwwwwwww! "Harry you idiot! Is this the kind of present I deserve?" "Well actually yes for being a fat pig!" Harry said smirking. "Dog, why'd you have to this to me? Well at least my peeps won't know what happened to me." Dudley has taken his life into gangster direction. "Now I don't feel like taking a dump anymore, oh yeah get dressed cause were going to the zoo!"

When Harry finally got dressed he headed to the kitchen which was filled with presents for Dudley. Petunia handed Dudley only two presents which was in a box wrapped with duct tape and said "Only the best gifts for my baby!" while hugging him. Dudley then opened the presents and was very happy for what he received.

One of the gifts was a box of spray paint, which he told his mom he needed to do his art work, and his second present was a brand new lighter supposedly for camp, sure…. Harry knew the real reasons why he wanted these gifts. He wanted the spray paint for doing graffiti, and to get high and the lighter was so he can smoke pot with his gangster friends.

They later went to the zoo and Dudley immediately went to the python. "MOVE YOU STUPID SNAKE!" he yelled at the sleeping python. "He's asleep!" Harry finally said. "Pfft" Dudley left to look at other animals while Harry stayed staring at the python. "Sorry bout that, he can be such a moron, do you like it here? All alone and no one to talk to, well besides me of course, but then again you have no clue what I'm saying" The snake then blinked and nodded. Once Dudley saw the snake moving he quickly pushed Harry aside and stared at the snake. Harry was furious and somehow the glass parting the humans with the snake, vanished. 

The snake then slithered out and faced Harry and said "Thankssss, now it'sss time to get revenge." The snake then attacked everyone in his way injuring them all. Once the snake left the zoo, Dudley tried to get out but the glass reappeared and he was stuck. He then cried like a baby and the zoo keepers managed to get him out. Once they were home Uncle Vernon didn't even take a breath before dragging Harry by his hair to the bathroom. "What happened?" He yelled with a stern voice. "I don't know, one minute the glass was there and the next it was gone it was like magic!" He threw Harry into the bathroom and then yelled "There is no such thing as magic!"


	3. Chapter 2 Letters and Woodpeckers

Chapter 2: Letters and Woodpeckers

The next morning Harry was still very puzzled about what had happened at the zoo, but still continued doing his duties or who knows what punishments he would receive from Uncle Vernon. Harry then picked up the mail and to his surprise, there was a letter that was for him. Harry then gave Uncle Vernon the mail except the one for him, he was about to open it till Dudley tackled him and took it from him. "Dad, Harry's got a letter." "Nonsense, who would be writing to a poor little boy, Vernon replied." Vernon then looked down at the letter and saw that there was a Bogfartz school of witchcraft and wizardry logo on it. Vernon then shot a look at Harry and ripped it right in front of him. Harry then went on with his chores wondering who could've written to him.

The next day there was a loud pecking sound which had woke Harry up. Harry rushed to see what was going on, and right in front of him was a crazy looking woodpecker which had just made a hole in the front door. The woodpecker dropped a few letters, and flew away. Uncle Vernon woke up from the racket as well, and ran down the stairs and snatched the letters away from Harry and ripped up the letters ferociously.

When Harry was still dreaming about how weird this past week has been, he just heard another loud pecking sound, except this time it sounded like metal. Then, he heard water gushing out and he felt drops of it in his face. He got up and looked to his left and he saw that the toilet had a very large leak, which probably was where the water came from. Then he figured why it had a leak was because there were letters flying out of the toilet, and he knew it was the woodpeckers doing. It was too bad that the letters were all soggy and wet.

Harry and everyone else were at the dinner table eating their breakfast, when Vernon interrupted saying, "Yay!!!!! It's Sunday." "And can you guess why I loooove Sundays." Dudley replied, "Is it because you don't have to work at the DSCA Department of Stopping Child Abuse." "I'm sorry but that's not it." "That's okay pumpkin it was a good try." Petunia interrupted. Dudley then said, "I'm not Pumpkin I'm Donut." Harry shouted, "Who Cares!" Vernon stared at them as if they were idiots, and went back on finishing his statement. "The real reason I love Sunday's so much is because there's no mail." All replied, "Ohhhhhh."

Then there were a bunch of pecking sounds that were coming from everywhere around the house, and then Bam, there were thousands of holes everywhere in which the woodpeckers made, and they all dropped letters, leaving the house a total mess. Vernon just couldn't take it anymore and angrily said, "THAT'S IT, WE'RE MOVING, FAR AWAY, WHERE THEY CAN'T FIND US!" Aunt Petunia interrupted saying, "How am I going to teach my yoga class?"


	4. Chapter 3 Harry's Birthdays

Chapter 3- Harry's Birthdays

After the weird incident that happened back at their home in Pervert Dr, Uncle Vernon decided to move four hours away where they originally were and lived in a shack on the beach. It's been a couple of days and then it was finally Harry's birthday, and of course they did not celebrate it. Then after Harry made a fake birthday cake on the floor and made a wish there was a large booming sound, coming from the door.

The door kept on booming and then finally a big guy came out, who was Hagrid said, "Sorry bout breaking the door, but then again that's not my problem." Hagrid then turned and faced Harry, saying "You must be Harry." He then handed him a letter and then said, "Happy Eleventh Birthday." Harry interrupted saying, "Eleventh birthday? I just turned nine." Oh…, well I guess I'll see ya in two years."

Two years later Hagrid came back, and then handed Harry the letter, but this time he brought a gift also. Harry took the gift, opened it up and then he saw an old looking fruit cake. Hagrid then said, "Couldn't afford a real cake, so I just gave you my fruitcake that I received years ago for my Christmas present." "That's very nice of you." Harry said. Harry put down his fruitcake and opened his letter. The letter pretty much said that you were accepted to Bogfartz School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Hagrid then turned to him and said, "You are a wizard Harry." "Harry looked confused and then replied, "I can't be a wizard, I'm just a poor little boy." Hagrid then said, "Well, poor little boy, you are a wizard and you're coming to Bogfartz wither you like it or not." Aunt Petunia then said, "I've been dying till the day you will take that magic freak away from me."

Harry then interrupted, "You knew I was a wizard but how." She then said, "Your freak of a mother… "She sure was a freak." Hagrid said giggling, "I mean she was a good lady." Aunt Petunia then went back saying, "Was all perfect being all magical and all that, she always had the perfect life until she got herself blown up." "Blown up!" "You told me that she died choking on a corn kernel." Harry shouted. Hagrid interrupted saying "Well we don't have any time for this chit chat so it's time to go Harry." Hagrid grabbed him by the arm and pulled him out of the door and said, "I don't care if you don't want to go to Bogfartz but I know someday you will thank me for this, unless you die before you have the chance to, oh well, anyways you're in for a treat."


	5. Chapter 4 Diagonal Alley

Chapter 4- Diagonal alley

Harry and Hagrid slept on the streets that night, waiting till the sun will show up. For some weird reason, the sun didn't show up the next day. It turned out that there was the longest eclipse in history, pretty weird. The day after that Hagrid took Harry with him and told him that they were going to get his school supplies. Hagrid finally stopped and was facing a solid brick wall, and then he looked to his left and saw a hobo watching them. Hagrid took out his wand, held it high, and said, "_Avada Kadavra._" There was a flash of green light and the hobo died.

"Don't worry I just casted a sleeping charm, should wear off in a couple of hours, and better not talk about what happened okay." "Okay" replied Harry. "Why'd you do that though." Said Harry. Hagrid then replied saying, "Can't let any muggles see what I'm about to do next." Hagrid took out his wand once again and started tapping on the walls, the walls then opened up and Hagrid said, "Welcome, to Diagonal alley."

Hagrid and Harry then went on shopping for supplies and then they came a cross a man wearing a towel on his head and was always twitchy. Hagrid then said, "Harry, this is Professor Queer. He teaches Defense against the Dark Arts." Harry then said, "Nice to meet you." He shook his hands and then Professor Queer melted and then died. "That was strange." Hagrid and Harry both replied. Harry then saw a wand shop and went inside while Hagrid went somewhere else.

The shop Harry went into was called Olive's and Pampers. There was a crazy old coot that came out and said, "I'm Ollie and are you buying a wand." Harry then said, "Yes I am." Ollie then gave him a wand that was pink and purple he then told him to try it out. Harry gave it a flick and he blew up a part of the wall. Ollie then said, it's perfect for you, not to mention it's the brother wand of VOLDEMORT! Harry then interrupted saying, "Don't you mean, you know who." Actually no I don't." Ollie replied. Ollie then said, "Now go run along, nobody pays me anyway, and the wand matches your shoes perfectly." 'Why thank you." Harry said, and then he went off looking for Hagrid.

He finally met up with Hagrid in which Hagrid gave him a pink woodpecker and Hagrid named it Dimwit. Hagrid then said, "If you ever need to put him asleep, I made a lullaby that makes all woodpeckers go to sleep, want to hear it." "Oh good golly gosh, of course I do." Harry replied. Hagrid then sang, "_If only, If only, the woodpeckers cried. The bark on the tree was as soft as the sky Lalalalalalalalalala. . He cried to the moon, If only, If only. _Harry then said, "Wow Hagrid that was totally original." Hagrid then replied, "I know, I know." Then out of nowhere a skinny boy with curly brown hair came and started shouting, "That's my line, my great great grandfather made that song. You did not make it up what so ever, you lie, cheat that's what you are." The boy kept on going on and on, but Harry knew he was just jealous, because he wishes he was more creative like Hagrid. Hagrid then raised his wand and shouted, "_Avada Kadavra_" The boy dropped dead. Hagrid then said, "There ain't going to be no Stanley Yelnats the fifth. Harry then said, "How'd you know his name?" "That doesn't matter now, now let's go to Gringotts." Hagrid replied.


	6. Chapter 5 The Bogfartz Express

Chapter 5- The Bogfartz Express

"What is Gringotts, Hagrid?" "Where do ye suppose we put our money know eh, eh." Harry and Hagrid held hands and skipped along and went in the bank. Inside the bank there was disco music, and it was very colorful.

Then Harry saw goblins wearing rainbow clothes, and they all had fro's. Hagrid then walked up to the counter and asked to open vaults 45,098, and vault 689,746; he then gave him a letter and told him, "This is about Voldemort about that one thing.

The goblin took Harry and Hagrid in a little Choo Choo train and took them to their vaults.

The first vault they picked up a plastic bag that said Walmart, and there was something in it. The second vault was all the money Harry inherited from his parents.

When they opened the vault, there were just a bunch of papers on the floor. Harry picked them up and read, "Owes Sports Galore 489 galleons." All the papers turned out to be how much money he owed to different companies. "Well I guess I'm an even poorer little boy." He said.

Hagrid then replied, "I never said you were going to be rich Harry, eh. Now let's head down to the train station."

Hagrid then said, "I got to go meet Dumbledore, here here's your ticket, and remember don't ever lose it."

Once Hagrid left, Harry looked at his ticket and it read, "Platform **9 **and 17/23 and Harry then thought to himself "that can't be right."

Harry then went to one of the guys that worked there and asked him where Platform **9** and 17/23 was. The guy replied, "Trying to be funny aren't you now you little twerp." The guy punched Harry in the face and Harry was knocked out cold.

When Harry woke up he saw that everyone was just pointing at him and saying comments like, "Loser" and other comments like that.

He then heard a woman saying, "Platform **9** and 17/23 this way hurry up now." So Harry did what she said and rushed towards her, he then asked her, "May you show me how to walk through those walls After he saw Fred and George go through,"

The woman then said, Ron quick, hit him with the bat it's another hobo trying to mug us." The red headed boy Ron took out his bat and hit him on the side, and Harry was knocked out once more. Before he was totally unconscious, he heard them say, "Whoops, it was a boy not a hobo, oh well."

Harry woke up again and saw that they were still there. Ron then sprayed him with something and then he said, "Its Windex, fixes everything." The bruise on his side then disappeared and it hurt no more. Harry and Ron then ran through the wall and saw a rather small train called the Bogfartz Express, which looked pretty rusty. Harry and Ron then walked in together.

When they got in the train, it was very crowded. They went into the least crowded room left and it had at least fourteen other people in there.

They then met this girl named Hermione, who thought she was a know it all. They were introducing themselves and were chatting among each other, until Hermione kept making fun of Ron for being so stupid. Ron couldn't take it anymore so he stood up and punched Hermione in the face so hard she flew out the window. After a few seconds they had lost sight of her. The train eventually came to a sudden halt, that some of the first years that were sitting next to windows banged their heads against the glass.

Unfortunately, one of the first years had a piece of glass pierced through his temple killing him. Once they arrived Hagrid stared at the boy and then said, "Oh well happens every year, got used to it by now." "Hey Bob the driver we need a bag here." Bob came with the bag and then they put the dead boy into it and then through it in the lake. After that incident Hagrid said "all first years follow me".

They all followed him and then they saw a big black lake which was rather creepy.


	7. Chapter 7 Welcome to Bogfartz

Chapter 6- Welcome to Bogfartz

Hagrid instructed all first years to hop on the giant canoe.

The first years were all nervous at first and hesitated to hop on a couple of times but then they finally went in once Hagrid threatened to expel them.

The first years were all confused because they could not find any oars to paddle the canoe.

Hagrid then replied, "What are all ya waiting for, get out!"

The first years all had a puzzled look on their faces, Hagrid then interrupted saying, "Oh yah I forgot to tell yer guys that you guys will be in the water paddling your puny little feet to carry me to Bogfartz or else!"

So the first years did as they were told.

While they were paddling along they saw a couple of canoes that had first years in it. Hagrid then told them, "Only first class gets to go on the canoes, so get your filthy selves back to work or I'll drown all of ya!"

While the miserable second class first years paddled along they saw the water rumbling.

The rumbling grew louder and louder, and bigger and bigger until a giant Kraken shot out its tentacles took hold of one of the canoes and devoured every last person in there.

The first years were extremely horrified to this point that the adrenaline in their bodies kicked in and they were swimming for there lives.

They eventually made it to shore after swimming 5 miles in the dark water but unfortunately some of them drowned or the Kraken took them as hostages as well.

In the end, the survivors were happy to see the entrance door of Bogfartz until Hagrid replied, "Get up all you lazy twerps, you still have to prove yourself worthy before you take your first steps in the school."

Once again the first years were puzzled.

Hagrid then finished saying, "Yer still got to go through the three headed dogs before you go in.

The rules are simple; if you make it inside the school before you get killed you are officially a student of Bogfartz."

Hagrid then walked a couple of paces and then said, "Release the dogs."

The first years were all sprinting towards the door but most were unfortunate.

The dogs were quick and got to the students in a heart beat.

The dogs devoured them or pulverized them in which they literally looked like a bloody pancake.

So many were exhausted that they passed out and then were eventually killed.

Luckily many still survived and took there first steps in Bogfartz academy in which Harry and Ron were part of that group.

Once they made it in there was a loud voice saying, "Stop being lazy and get up."

It seemed that the voice came out of an old man.

The man then went on saying, "I am Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of this school, now all of you scrub the floors until I get the sorting hat and then I will sort you into your houses.

The children were going to work until Dumbledore interrupted saying, "Since this year there were the most survivors than any other year with 3,527 out of 18,921 you will all be rewarded.

The first years all had a big smile on there faces, all anxious to hear what he was about to say next.

Dumbledore then said, "Instead of scrubbing the floors with your bare hands you will all be able to use toothbrushes, now get to work slaves."

They were all scrubbing the floors miserably but they were all happy to be alive.

They then saw Dumbledore return after two hours and then he said, "It's time to sort you into your houses, but before you do you will all have to line up in three different lines, pure bloods, mud bloods, and the other ones in between."

"And there is one more thing; you will all have to take the Veratiserum test to see if you are telling the truth that you are not working for the dark lord or death eaters in any way, because **ALL** of you look suspicious to me."

"If you are guilty you will be sent to Azkaban unless your crime is a crime to high to pay that you will be executed at once.

" Dumbledore then finished saying, "I hope you all enjoyed yourselves today and let the Veratiserum test begin."


End file.
